Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Charlie Girl, One year ago I lost the most precious and beautiful person I know you!
You were always special. I always thought you were to good to be true so calm, and light hearted rarely through fits or gave attitude. I often wondered what did I do to deserve such an Awesome child, I always thought wow she's to good to be true hmmmm. In the end you were, you were to good to be true since the day you were born I knew something was different about you. I gave birth to you and I looked at you so soft, pink and perfect. I thought wow how come she's so white and I remembered ohhh Charles dad is a White-Cuban w/blue eyes, ok and you were always so quiet, so so quiet many people didn't even know you were with me when i would place you on the couch and they'd almost sit on you. You were always a wonderful, synical and peaceful child. I think back now and I think was all this a sign of what was to come, it makes you sit back and wonder and wonder.
I've read a couple of posts on your facebook from your friends, the one's that really miss you and your presence. I got insight into what they were feeling, what they went through when you didn't show up at school and they heard a student was in critical condition and it didn't look good and the days that followed.

A year later I remember everything so clear in my mind, I have never shared this here but I have to deal with it and in order to do that I need to write it down.
Charlie, I was laying down it was about 9:30 or so you had just came into my room to say good nite, luv u and see you tomorrow. A few mins later I hear a thump, I paused and thought hmmmm what was that? Curiosity got the best of me and I had to get up. I thought something had fallen off the wall. I look in Cely's room, the boy's room nothing, I look in your room nothing. I call your name b/c I don't see you in your bed and your bathroom light was on, Charlie, Charlie.. I open the door and their you are on the bathroom floor, I smile lol Charlie what happened, tap your foot with my foot, Charlie stop playing get up, shake you a lil harder with my foot against yours and then I am smiling but b/c I'm scared now, my mind started racing.
I bent down and started to scream your name Charlie, Charlie, Charlie wake up, wake up Charlie please!!! I went to pick you up off the floor and you started to have a seizure, what OMG this can't be happening OMG she hit her head and I was about to move her OMG then I'm holding your mouth open w/my fingers in your mouth b/c your biting them so hard and it's starting to tear, i'm so scared now.
I scream for Gio to bring me the phone, he walks in the room and sees your feet, I get up and say no get out, get out. I push him out of the room and scream bring me the phone, He says mom please it's Charlie, what's wrong I want to see her, NO get the Fucking phone!
Nelson wakes up, what's going on why are you screaming what is going on, I am gasping for air trying to tell him your on the bathroom floor you just had a seizure and I'm trying to call 911, he looks at me like i'm crazy walks into the bathroom and says Charlie, Charlie I walk in and say should we move her, I think she hit her head. Gio comes mom I can't find the phone, OMFG, damn it!! I run, I'm in full panic mode my heart is racing so fast I feel like it's all a dream, punch me pinch me so I can wake up!
I found the phone make the call ok were on our way is all I remember, I run back up the stairs to your room I kneel next to you, felt for a pulse and nothing, I checked your eyes and it's not good, your more purple than before, I scream your name Charlie, I slapped you so hard your glasses came off, Charlie wake up wake up please! I was in shock and panicking. Nelson says leave her they are coming babe, they are coming. I run down the stairs where do you see them? where are they? it felt like forever and I call them again standing in the open door, where is the ambulance are they coming? where where are they? The lady on the other line was calm and told me wait for them they are on the way, I wanted to scream at her.
Mason wakes up and Gio is asking what happened, what is going on. I took him to my room and tell him no matter what happens or what you hear do not come out of this room, do you understand? yes mom but what's going on, Gio please stay in here and don't come out, ok, ok.
I close the door and call your friend, Nelson said babe calm down breathe, no I need to find out what happened, did she take something, she said her stomach was hurting when she came home. I spoke to your friend asking her if you had eaten anything weird or taken anything. No why, what's going on? I can't talk about it now and hang up. I go back to your side and caress your hair, your face rub your hands, im thinking this can't be happening, no no no why?
Nelson screams they are here, he tells them go up the stairs, I stand up and run to the hallway, she's up here. They come up with their bags and gadgets ask me questions, not sure what they were my mind was gone by that time all I could see was what they were doing to you, 3 people in that crammed bathroom and I see them taking stuff out of their buckets, talking, giving direction. I'm saying it's going to be ok, she'll be fine they are here now, I could breathe a lil now. Nelson was standing with me, rubbed my shoulder and we tell them their is more space here in her room so they pick her up and if I remember correctly Nelson helped them move you into the middle of your room, then I hear the woman say to whoever was on the other side of her radio you need to step it up, we need what, what are you saying? They tore open her shirt and I see these paddles come out my heart literally stopped and my stomach dropped, I couldn't believe what I was seeing what the fuck, are you kidding me, what? The lady gets on the radio again and at this point I don't even here what she says I see them all stop what they are doing and they shock you again and again. I didn't even realize how much I had backed away until I heard Nelson yell the ambulance is coming then the firefighters said were going to move her now, I see them pick you up and wooshh you were gone, down the stairs all I can remember is your dark black hair flowing down from your head and your yellow shorts. The ambulance crew didn't even wait to talk to us, the firefighters just threw you on the ambulance board and you were gone on your way to the hospital.
The police officer walked in and says they couldn't wait for you, they had to take her. Do you have a way to get to Hartford Hospital? Do you think your ok to drive? I hear him asking the questions but it's like he's whispering and feels so far away from me. He asks me what happened, I go into detail and he says ok, well I can tell you she's in good hands and I pray for the best. Then he looks at me and tells my husband, I think your going to have to drive her to the hospital, she shouldn't go alone. I tell him it's ok, it's ok I'll go alone you stay here w/the kids and take them to your moms in the morning and I was rambling on and on and Nelson says no get the kids and lets go to the hospital, I'll drive you, ok I threw on a shirt, shoes and dragged the kids like that in their PJ's.
My mind was blank the drive to the hospital I don't even remember how I got their all I remember is Nelson saying go, go inside I'll find parking, I go in and tell the security my daughter was just brought in by ambulance her name is Charlie Gonzalez, no mam sorry no one here by that name, they just just brought her in of course you wont' see her on the computer, HELLO, idiot he says nope she's not here, I was pissed I told him go look please, she's not here!
I was beyond pissed I told him your to lazy to get up and then another security saw how upset I was and went to check but at this point I walked out and around to the ambulance station and I said did you guys bring Charlie from Broad Brook, he says oh yes, come come with me.
The moment I walked in some lady greeted me, little did I know she was a Chaplin at the hospital, I didn't even bother to ask she just put her hand on my back and said Hi i'm so and so and I said I'm Mary, Charlies mom and brought me over to the Dr's from the ER where they asked me a million questions. I remember asking when can I see her, I want to see her they said we are trying to stabilize her now just a few more minutes. They told me your prognosis after a few minutes, the Dr. says we are doing everything to make her comfortable and we need to do a Catscan, the ambulance crew just brought her back, which means they just got her heart started again right before she arrived to the hospital, little did I know this would be your downfall. It takes half n hour to get to Hartford from our house.
They explained to me what they were going to do and they advised me you were still having mini seizures and to go in and see you. Nelson walked in and had so many questions, I couldn't answer we decided it would be best to get the kids home and out of the hospital because they all wanted to go in and see you but the Chaplin advised us against it. We would have to call his sister to come get them because he was going to leave me the car and he would go to work, Yes work, what a manly thing to do right?
We walk out to the main area and sit and talk and Nelson says you have to stay strong, she's gonna pull through this, you'll see. Kisses me forehead squeezes my hand and his eyes are telling me the complete opposite. Funny how you realize all this after the fact :/ I remember telling him I have to step out and call my sis, I called her and remember sitting on a bench outside of the hospital crying, maybe even screaming and i remember lil of the conversation we had other than telling her that I thought Charlie was dying, I was so scared and didn't know what happened.
Nelson walks out to get me and tells me the lady is looking for me, ok I walk in and she says you should come in and be with Charlie, she is moving and it would be nice for you to be by her side, so I told Nelson ok I'm going in kissed all the kids answered none of their questions and told them I'd see them later and I would call.
I walked in to see you and all I could see were these tubes and your beautiful red streaks of hair, I was hoping this was all a horrible nightmare and I was going to wake up and I was going to sit and tell you about it and you were going to say what, gosh mom that crazy!
You were still shaking, I was worried, I asked the nurse why are you doing that? she said you were still having min seizures but that she had just given you medicine and they would stop. She siad talk to her, you can touch her it's ok she needs to know your here, so I did I caressed your hair, your cheeks your hand I was limited because you had so many things on you and around you. I was so scared, I couldn't think straight, I started talking to you about the kids and Nelson and how we were suppose to go to the Big E, apple picking, and to the pumpkin farm. You had dug the dirt out for your fire pit so we could make a bon fire, I just rambled and rambled until they told me they were going to move you and I said you have to pull through Charlie, you have to so we could do all of those upcoming things.... I sat outside the door it hadn't hit me yet, I still had HOPE, HOPE I was going to see you sitting up and smiling and all this would be something we'd smile and talk about. They gave me your belongings and said to follow them, they were moving you to the ICU unit, ICU huhhhh It still hadn't dawned on me what that meant. I followed and then the Dr. said we are going to insert a tube and this machine will whatever whatever all I could hear was bla bla nothing was registering in my mind all I heard was wait here and we'll come get you when we are done. An hour went by and I thought, what is going on I was sitting in a waiting room w/other people waiting like me so I got on the phone and called em, my daughter Charlie was brought an hour ago I'd like to see her hold on, a nurse comes out and says we are still getting her situated and comfortable another half hour and I'll come get you. Ok at this point I'm restless, I can't remember what I did or who I called it's all just a big blank canvas.
This was only the beginning of what was to come and what we would lose, we watched so many families come and go and ours took over the family room so many of us, 4 sisters, 1 brother, plus Significant others, my mom and your dad and other sister. We spent 5 days at the hospital wishing an hoping and when it all came down it it, my heart had been pulled out of my mouth and all I could do was hold you and reminisce about the good times.....

It's been a year and I can finally share one photo of us, I did blur you out as much as I could b/c I know how private you like to be but I need this to remind me of what once was will never ever be again, I love you and miss you Charlie girl. Until we meet again I have my memories of your laughter, strength and adventerous soul.

Monday, September 19, 2011

A Mask I Wear

There are tears behind my smile
And a mask I's called denial
Life is tragically to real
From this loss I will not heal

No one has a single clue
How much it losing you
Although they think I'm doing fine
Sometimes I feel I've lost my mind

Memories are all that I have left
After this terrible life theft
A heart that hurts beyond control
Deep down to my very soul

There are tears behind my smile
And a mask I's called denial
I have cried with and without tears
And have been doing so for years

I have found no place to hide
Carry all of this inside
No earthly words that do explain
The kind of life that does remain

I look for signs most every day
That you are close...not far away
I play a game within my heart
As if you never did depart

There are tears behind my smile
And a mask I's called denial
Missing you my special child
When you were here I truly smiled.

Monday, September 5, 2011

This Month!!

Charlie girl, The most depressing month has come upon me and it all started when I knew that school was going to start... It all brought me back to the horrible events of last year...
Today they had the Labor Day parade that I didn't even bother with, it's all to much. I feel better staying away from it b/c I know the color guard flags will be twirling and as much as I saw your face light up when you were doing it, I can't bare to watch the new girls :/
It's all so fresh in my mind I play back our last days and conversations in my mind, well what I remember alot b/c I have the photos otherwise I'd be so so LOST.
I cannot begin to tell you the regret I feel the regret I live with that your last day I couldn't spend it with you at the BIG E. It's so hard for me not to feel this way because I replay the events, the circumstance in my head over and over and the what if is always with me. It's all just so fucked up and I am not in a great place right now.
We haven't gone to a fair, carnival or anything like that I think this time last year we had already gone to 3. I have made a promise though I will be going to this years Big E I don't think the dates will be the hottest time to go but I'm hoping that you'll be with me in spirit and pushing me along my way about that I heard something the other day that made me stop and think.
I often have doubt about what people experience and what they say about people who have passed and how they say they have visions and send messages. It's hard not to be that way when you never experience stuff like that for yourself, kwim.
I know people know we are hurting and I am one that hates the idea of being taken advantage of. If you visit your siblings please continue to do so. They love you, miss you and I swear that Mason sees you in the cemetery. Everytime we pass one and he's aware of it he says mami lali is their mami? I have to believe that b/c we never ever told him you were buried in a cemetery. I do love the fact that it's going to be a year and his lil heart is hangin on to you, your memory, I pray that he never forgets you. Your bonded in so many ways :| Love you baby girl and I continue to put on my face!!
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving

Monday, August 29, 2011

After loss.....


I need to talk about my loss.
I may often need to tell you what happened -
or to ask you why it happened.
Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself
face the reality of the death of my loved one.

I need to know that you care about me.
I need to feel your touch, your hugs.
I need you just to be "with" me.
(And I need to be with you.)
I need to know you believe in me and in my
ability to get through my grief in my own way.
(And in my own time.)

Please don't judge me now -
or think that I'm behaving strangely.
Remember I'm grieving.
I may even be in shock.
I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage.
I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt.
I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better
and then suddenly I seem to slip backward.
Grief makes me behave this way at times.
And please don't tell me you "know how I feel,"
or that it's time for me to get on with my life.
(I am probably already saying this to myself.)
What I need now is time to grieve and to recover.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for helping, for understanding.
Thank you for praying for me.
And remember, in the days or years ahead,
when you may have a loss - when you need me
as I have needed you - I will understand.
And then I will come and be with you.

Author: Barbara Hills LesStrang

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Charlie girl, It's going to be 11 mths soon since you left us and I can't say that my days are any better. They say that the feelings of loss get softer but I'm not sure when that's going to happen. I'm back to my sleepless nights...
It's crazy how the every day normal never effected you before but now they do. I see an ambulance w/the lights on and rushing by me and It brings me back to that horrific night. I often wonder if mistakes were made, if I should go and ask for your medical records no matter the cost. It's something I think about often you know it's like that lil devil and angel on opposite sides of your shoulder saying why now, why not? siggghhh I tend to be in a car driving so I try to stay focused and push the emotions back way back into my mind it helps until it happens all over again :/
You know we went to Seaside Heights the other day and OMG all of these memories came swarming back into my head, it was crazy here i was sitting on the beach on this beautiful windy day and I was crying just the smell of the beach wow it did it to me. I thought of so many summers we spent down the shore and when you begged to go into the casino with me in Atlantic City and I gave in and they kicked us out right when we hit the floor, I lol afterward b/c that was a moment I had totally forgotten about, i mean you were lil like 7 or 8 and finally I could remember something. Yeah thats one of my problems my memory is not all that great, it sucks and then again it's ok not sure which way to sway i guess it mainly depends on how I'm feeling!
and I just had to share this flashback photo, wow this is priceless to me!!! You were always so cute and everything fit you perfectly.. I miss it, miss it allllll soooo much Charlie girl!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Charlie here is your yearbook memorial page... I've only seen it twice it's too much to even look at right now :/

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
By Mary Frye

Monday, July 4, 2011

Charlie my love you did it and we were all so sad that you were n0t to here to enjoy the fruits of
your long hours of labor in school but we came out to support you hoping and wishing you
were with us in spirit. We love you and are so PROUD!!!
I could ramble for ever what this day meant to me with out you but i'll tell you in simple terms that Death changes and challenges everything about you and your life!
I've had the car like this since your grad 6.24 and not sure just yet when I'll wash it off but we'll see.
I have to say that I often sit and wonder what my life is like now and what is was like when you
were here and it SUX major monkey balls!!!

Everyday is a new reminder that you are missing and as the months pass I wish It could get
easier but I have my moments where I regress and then I have my moments where I snap out of
it and keep it movin. I wish I had the answer on why life has to be this way but sadly I don't who does? IDK!!!
I talk to other parents who understand my pain the loss of a child and we all wonder about the
same things, why why and why? I sometimes feel guilt because I want you to be here with us but then again I feel that where you are their are no worries, pain, sickness and I have to comfort
myself with knowing this because anything else would knock me over in a deep depression! sighhhhh... I wanted to share with you that Gio and Cely passed and Mason your lil boo will start pre-k next Aug. He still loves his hot dogs cut up and his boiled eggs in the morning He has fits when it's not done..... thanks so much for creating that lil monster part of him!!!

Our beings will always be missing you and thinking of you "/"

and I'll leave you with this..... It's so hard to do but great food for thought!!
Laugh when you can..✿. Apologize when you should..✿. And let go of what you can't change... Love deeply and forgive quickly... Take chances and give your everything..✿. Life is too short to be anything but happy...✿ You have to take the good with the bad...✿ Love what you have... Always remember what you had... Forgive and forget.✿..and always remember.. that life goes on..✿.