Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Charlie Girl, One year ago I lost the most precious and beautiful person I know you!
You were always special. I always thought you were to good to be true so calm, and light hearted rarely through fits or gave attitude. I often wondered what did I do to deserve such an Awesome child, I always thought wow she's to good to be true hmmmm. In the end you were, you were to good to be true since the day you were born I knew something was different about you. I gave birth to you and I looked at you so soft, pink and perfect. I thought wow how come she's so white and I remembered ohhh Charles dad is a White-Cuban w/blue eyes, ok and you were always so quiet, so so quiet many people didn't even know you were with me when i would place you on the couch and they'd almost sit on you. You were always a wonderful, synical and peaceful child. I think back now and I think was all this a sign of what was to come, it makes you sit back and wonder and wonder.
I've read a couple of posts on your facebook from your friends, the one's that really miss you and your presence. I got insight into what they were feeling, what they went through when you didn't show up at school and they heard a student was in critical condition and it didn't look good and the days that followed.

A year later I remember everything so clear in my mind, I have never shared this here but I have to deal with it and in order to do that I need to write it down.
Charlie, I was laying down it was about 9:30 or so you had just came into my room to say good nite, luv u and see you tomorrow. A few mins later I hear a thump, I paused and thought hmmmm what was that? Curiosity got the best of me and I had to get up. I thought something had fallen off the wall. I look in Cely's room, the boy's room nothing, I look in your room nothing. I call your name b/c I don't see you in your bed and your bathroom light was on, Charlie, Charlie.. I open the door and their you are on the bathroom floor, I smile lol Charlie what happened, tap your foot with my foot, Charlie stop playing get up, shake you a lil harder with my foot against yours and then I am smiling but b/c I'm scared now, my mind started racing.
I bent down and started to scream your name Charlie, Charlie, Charlie wake up, wake up Charlie please!!! I went to pick you up off the floor and you started to have a seizure, what OMG this can't be happening OMG she hit her head and I was about to move her OMG then I'm holding your mouth open w/my fingers in your mouth b/c your biting them so hard and it's starting to tear, i'm so scared now.
I scream for Gio to bring me the phone, he walks in the room and sees your feet, I get up and say no get out, get out. I push him out of the room and scream bring me the phone, He says mom please it's Charlie, what's wrong I want to see her, NO get the Fucking phone!
Nelson wakes up, what's going on why are you screaming what is going on, I am gasping for air trying to tell him your on the bathroom floor you just had a seizure and I'm trying to call 911, he looks at me like i'm crazy walks into the bathroom and says Charlie, Charlie I walk in and say should we move her, I think she hit her head. Gio comes mom I can't find the phone, OMFG, damn it!! I run, I'm in full panic mode my heart is racing so fast I feel like it's all a dream, punch me pinch me so I can wake up!
I found the phone make the call ok were on our way is all I remember, I run back up the stairs to your room I kneel next to you, felt for a pulse and nothing, I checked your eyes and it's not good, your more purple than before, I scream your name Charlie, I slapped you so hard your glasses came off, Charlie wake up wake up please! I was in shock and panicking. Nelson says leave her they are coming babe, they are coming. I run down the stairs where do you see them? where are they? it felt like forever and I call them again standing in the open door, where is the ambulance are they coming? where where are they? The lady on the other line was calm and told me wait for them they are on the way, I wanted to scream at her.
Mason wakes up and Gio is asking what happened, what is going on. I took him to my room and tell him no matter what happens or what you hear do not come out of this room, do you understand? yes mom but what's going on, Gio please stay in here and don't come out, ok, ok.
I close the door and call your friend, Nelson said babe calm down breathe, no I need to find out what happened, did she take something, she said her stomach was hurting when she came home. I spoke to your friend asking her if you had eaten anything weird or taken anything. No why, what's going on? I can't talk about it now and hang up. I go back to your side and caress your hair, your face rub your hands, im thinking this can't be happening, no no no why?
Nelson screams they are here, he tells them go up the stairs, I stand up and run to the hallway, she's up here. They come up with their bags and gadgets ask me questions, not sure what they were my mind was gone by that time all I could see was what they were doing to you, 3 people in that crammed bathroom and I see them taking stuff out of their buckets, talking, giving direction. I'm saying it's going to be ok, she'll be fine they are here now, I could breathe a lil now. Nelson was standing with me, rubbed my shoulder and we tell them their is more space here in her room so they pick her up and if I remember correctly Nelson helped them move you into the middle of your room, then I hear the woman say to whoever was on the other side of her radio you need to step it up, we need what, what are you saying? They tore open her shirt and I see these paddles come out my heart literally stopped and my stomach dropped, I couldn't believe what I was seeing what the fuck, are you kidding me, what? The lady gets on the radio again and at this point I don't even here what she says I see them all stop what they are doing and they shock you again and again. I didn't even realize how much I had backed away until I heard Nelson yell the ambulance is coming then the firefighters said were going to move her now, I see them pick you up and wooshh you were gone, down the stairs all I can remember is your dark black hair flowing down from your head and your yellow shorts. The ambulance crew didn't even wait to talk to us, the firefighters just threw you on the ambulance board and you were gone on your way to the hospital.
The police officer walked in and says they couldn't wait for you, they had to take her. Do you have a way to get to Hartford Hospital? Do you think your ok to drive? I hear him asking the questions but it's like he's whispering and feels so far away from me. He asks me what happened, I go into detail and he says ok, well I can tell you she's in good hands and I pray for the best. Then he looks at me and tells my husband, I think your going to have to drive her to the hospital, she shouldn't go alone. I tell him it's ok, it's ok I'll go alone you stay here w/the kids and take them to your moms in the morning and I was rambling on and on and Nelson says no get the kids and lets go to the hospital, I'll drive you, ok I threw on a shirt, shoes and dragged the kids like that in their PJ's.
My mind was blank the drive to the hospital I don't even remember how I got their all I remember is Nelson saying go, go inside I'll find parking, I go in and tell the security my daughter was just brought in by ambulance her name is Charlie Gonzalez, no mam sorry no one here by that name, they just just brought her in of course you wont' see her on the computer, HELLO, idiot he says nope she's not here, I was pissed I told him go look please, she's not here!
I was beyond pissed I told him your to lazy to get up and then another security saw how upset I was and went to check but at this point I walked out and around to the ambulance station and I said did you guys bring Charlie from Broad Brook, he says oh yes, come come with me.
The moment I walked in some lady greeted me, little did I know she was a Chaplin at the hospital, I didn't even bother to ask she just put her hand on my back and said Hi i'm so and so and I said I'm Mary, Charlies mom and brought me over to the Dr's from the ER where they asked me a million questions. I remember asking when can I see her, I want to see her they said we are trying to stabilize her now just a few more minutes. They told me your prognosis after a few minutes, the Dr. says we are doing everything to make her comfortable and we need to do a Catscan, the ambulance crew just brought her back, which means they just got her heart started again right before she arrived to the hospital, little did I know this would be your downfall. It takes half n hour to get to Hartford from our house.
They explained to me what they were going to do and they advised me you were still having mini seizures and to go in and see you. Nelson walked in and had so many questions, I couldn't answer we decided it would be best to get the kids home and out of the hospital because they all wanted to go in and see you but the Chaplin advised us against it. We would have to call his sister to come get them because he was going to leave me the car and he would go to work, Yes work, what a manly thing to do right?
We walk out to the main area and sit and talk and Nelson says you have to stay strong, she's gonna pull through this, you'll see. Kisses me forehead squeezes my hand and his eyes are telling me the complete opposite. Funny how you realize all this after the fact :/ I remember telling him I have to step out and call my sis, I called her and remember sitting on a bench outside of the hospital crying, maybe even screaming and i remember lil of the conversation we had other than telling her that I thought Charlie was dying, I was so scared and didn't know what happened.
Nelson walks out to get me and tells me the lady is looking for me, ok I walk in and she says you should come in and be with Charlie, she is moving and it would be nice for you to be by her side, so I told Nelson ok I'm going in kissed all the kids answered none of their questions and told them I'd see them later and I would call.
I walked in to see you and all I could see were these tubes and your beautiful red streaks of hair, I was hoping this was all a horrible nightmare and I was going to wake up and I was going to sit and tell you about it and you were going to say what, gosh mom that crazy!
You were still shaking, I was worried, I asked the nurse why are you doing that? she said you were still having min seizures but that she had just given you medicine and they would stop. She siad talk to her, you can touch her it's ok she needs to know your here, so I did I caressed your hair, your cheeks your hand I was limited because you had so many things on you and around you. I was so scared, I couldn't think straight, I started talking to you about the kids and Nelson and how we were suppose to go to the Big E, apple picking, and to the pumpkin farm. You had dug the dirt out for your fire pit so we could make a bon fire, I just rambled and rambled until they told me they were going to move you and I said you have to pull through Charlie, you have to so we could do all of those upcoming things.... I sat outside the door it hadn't hit me yet, I still had HOPE, HOPE I was going to see you sitting up and smiling and all this would be something we'd smile and talk about. They gave me your belongings and said to follow them, they were moving you to the ICU unit, ICU huhhhh It still hadn't dawned on me what that meant. I followed and then the Dr. said we are going to insert a tube and this machine will whatever whatever all I could hear was bla bla nothing was registering in my mind all I heard was wait here and we'll come get you when we are done. An hour went by and I thought, what is going on I was sitting in a waiting room w/other people waiting like me so I got on the phone and called em, my daughter Charlie was brought an hour ago I'd like to see her hold on, a nurse comes out and says we are still getting her situated and comfortable another half hour and I'll come get you. Ok at this point I'm restless, I can't remember what I did or who I called it's all just a big blank canvas.
This was only the beginning of what was to come and what we would lose, we watched so many families come and go and ours took over the family room so many of us, 4 sisters, 1 brother, plus Significant others, my mom and your dad and other sister. We spent 5 days at the hospital wishing an hoping and when it all came down it it, my heart had been pulled out of my mouth and all I could do was hold you and reminisce about the good times.....

It's been a year and I can finally share one photo of us, I did blur you out as much as I could b/c I know how private you like to be but I need this to remind me of what once was will never ever be again, I love you and miss you Charlie girl. Until we meet again I have my memories of your laughter, strength and adventerous soul.


  1. Your post has me in tears. FOr you it has been a whole year and I cannot imagine that milestone. Its been 10 weeks for us and most days I feel like I am losing my mind. I beg for my son to come if anyone has that power. I feel for you so much. It was over so quickly for me. I did not have to see my son suffer or thimk it might get better like you did. I hope it is getting a little easier for you. I know most people tell me it will (it hasn't) so I assume the same is probably true for you too. Hugs to you in this hard time!!

  2. So very sorry for all the losses!