Monday, September 5, 2011

This Month!!

Charlie girl, The most depressing month has come upon me and it all started when I knew that school was going to start... It all brought me back to the horrible events of last year...
Today they had the Labor Day parade that I didn't even bother with, it's all to much. I feel better staying away from it b/c I know the color guard flags will be twirling and as much as I saw your face light up when you were doing it, I can't bare to watch the new girls :/
It's all so fresh in my mind I play back our last days and conversations in my mind, well what I remember alot b/c I have the photos otherwise I'd be so so LOST.
I cannot begin to tell you the regret I feel the regret I live with that your last day I couldn't spend it with you at the BIG E. It's so hard for me not to feel this way because I replay the events, the circumstance in my head over and over and the what if is always with me. It's all just so fucked up and I am not in a great place right now.
We haven't gone to a fair, carnival or anything like that I think this time last year we had already gone to 3. I have made a promise though I will be going to this years Big E I don't think the dates will be the hottest time to go but I'm hoping that you'll be with me in spirit and pushing me along my way about that I heard something the other day that made me stop and think.
I often have doubt about what people experience and what they say about people who have passed and how they say they have visions and send messages. It's hard not to be that way when you never experience stuff like that for yourself, kwim.
I know people know we are hurting and I am one that hates the idea of being taken advantage of. If you visit your siblings please continue to do so. They love you, miss you and I swear that Mason sees you in the cemetery. Everytime we pass one and he's aware of it he says mami lali is their mami? I have to believe that b/c we never ever told him you were buried in a cemetery. I do love the fact that it's going to be a year and his lil heart is hangin on to you, your memory, I pray that he never forgets you. Your bonded in so many ways :| Love you baby girl and I continue to put on my face!!
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving

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