tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37774175581794900612024-02-07T22:06:20.517-08:00Remembering Charlie GonzalezMaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.comBlogger51125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-17185336135795903842011-09-28T06:13:00.001-07:002011-09-28T08:37:00.128-07:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie Girl, One year ago I lost the most precious and beautiful person I know you!<br />You were always special. I always thought you were to good to be true so calm, and light hearted rarely through fits or gave attitude. I often wondered what did I do to deserve such an Awesome child, I always thought wow she's to good to be true hmmmm. In the end you were, you were to good to be true since the day you were born I knew something was different about you. I gave birth to you and I looked at you so soft, pink and perfect. I thought wow how come she's so white and I remembered ohhh Charles dad is a White-Cuban w/blue eyes, ok and you were always so quiet, so so quiet many people didn't even know you were with me when i would place you on the couch and they'd almost sit on you. You were always a wonderful, synical and peaceful child. I think back now and I think was all this a sign of what was to come, it makes you sit back and wonder and wonder.<br />I've read a couple of posts on your facebook from your friends, the one's that really miss you and your presence. I got insight into what they were feeling, what they went through when you didn't show up at school and they heard a student was in critical condition and it didn't look good and the days that followed.<br /><br />A year later I remember everything so clear in my mind, I have never shared this here but I have to deal with it and in order to do that I need to write it down.<br />Charlie, I was laying down it was about 9:30 or so you had just came into my room to say good nite, luv u and see you tomorrow. A few mins later I hear a thump, I paused and thought hmmmm what was that? Curiosity got the best of me and I had to get up. I thought something had fallen off the wall. I look in Cely's room, the boy's room nothing, I look in your room nothing. I call your name b/c I don't see you in your bed and your bathroom light was on, Charlie, Charlie.. I open the door and their you are on the bathroom floor, I smile lol Charlie what happened, tap your foot with my foot, Charlie stop playing get up, shake you a lil harder with my foot against yours and then I am smiling but b/c I'm scared now, my mind started racing.<br />I bent down and started to scream your name Charlie, Charlie, Charlie wake up, wake up Charlie please!!! I went to pick you up off the floor and you started to have a seizure, what OMG this can't be happening OMG she hit her head and I was about to move her OMG then I'm holding your mouth open w/my fingers in your mouth b/c your biting them so hard and it's starting to tear, i'm so scared now.<br />I scream for Gio to bring me the phone, he walks in the room and sees your feet, I get up and say no get out, get out. I push him out of the room and scream bring me the phone, He says mom please it's Charlie, what's wrong I want to see her, NO get the Fucking phone!<br />Nelson wakes up, what's going on why are you screaming what is going on, I am gasping for air trying to tell him your on the bathroom floor you just had a seizure and I'm trying to call 911, he looks at me like i'm crazy walks into the bathroom and says Charlie, Charlie I walk in and say should we move her, I think she hit her head. Gio comes mom I can't find the phone, OMFG, damn it!! I run, I'm in full panic mode my heart is racing so fast I feel like it's all a dream, punch me pinch me so I can wake up!<br />I found the phone make the call ok were on our way is all I remember, I run back up the stairs to your room I kneel next to you, felt for a pulse and nothing, I checked your eyes and it's not good, your more purple than before, I scream your name Charlie, I slapped you so hard your glasses came off, Charlie wake up wake up please! I was in shock and panicking. Nelson says leave her they are coming babe, they are coming. I run down the stairs where do you see them? where are they? it felt like forever and I call them again standing in the open door, where is the ambulance are they coming? where where are they? The lady on the other line was calm and told me wait for them they are on the way, I wanted to scream at her.<br />Mason wakes up and Gio is asking what happened, what is going on. I took him to my room and tell him no matter what happens or what you hear do not come out of this room, do you understand? yes mom but what's going on, Gio please stay in here and don't come out, ok, ok.<br />I close the door and call your friend, Nelson said babe calm down breathe, no I need to find out what happened, did she take something, she said her stomach was hurting when she came home. I spoke to your friend asking her if you had eaten anything weird or taken anything. No why, what's going on? I can't talk about it now and hang up. I go back to your side and caress your hair, your face rub your hands, im thinking this can't be happening, no no no why?<br />Nelson screams they are here, he tells them go up the stairs, I stand up and run to the hallway, she's up here. They come up with their bags and gadgets ask me questions, not sure what they were my mind was gone by that time all I could see was what they were doing to you, 3 people in that crammed bathroom and I see them taking stuff out of their buckets, talking, giving direction. I'm saying it's going to be ok, she'll be fine they are here now, I could breathe a lil now. Nelson was standing with me, rubbed my shoulder and we tell them their is more space here in her room so they pick her up and if I remember correctly Nelson helped them move you into the middle of your room, then I hear the woman say to whoever was on the other side of her radio you need to step it up, we need what, what are you saying? They tore open her shirt and I see these paddles come out my heart literally stopped and my stomach dropped, I couldn't believe what I was seeing what the fuck, are you kidding me, what? The lady gets on the radio again and at this point I don't even here what she says I see them all stop what they are doing and they shock you again and again. I didn't even realize how much I had backed away until I heard Nelson yell the ambulance is coming then the firefighters said were going to move her now, I see them pick you up and wooshh you were gone, down the stairs all I can remember is your dark black hair flowing down from your head and your yellow shorts. The ambulance crew didn't even wait to talk to us, the firefighters just threw you on the ambulance board and you were gone on your way to the hospital.<br />The police officer walked in and says they couldn't wait for you, they had to take her. Do you have a way to get to Hartford Hospital? Do you think your ok to drive? I hear him asking the questions but it's like he's whispering and feels so far away from me. He asks me what happened, I go into detail and he says ok, well I can tell you she's in good hands and I pray for the best. Then he looks at me and tells my husband, I think your going to have to drive her to the hospital, she shouldn't go alone. I tell him it's ok, it's ok I'll go alone you stay here w/the kids and take them to your moms in the morning and I was rambling on and on and Nelson says no get the kids and lets go to the hospital, I'll drive you, ok I threw on a shirt, shoes and dragged the kids like that in their PJ's.<br />My mind was blank the drive to the hospital I don't even remember how I got their all I remember is Nelson saying go, go inside I'll find parking, I go in and tell the security my daughter was just brought in by ambulance her name is Charlie Gonzalez, no mam sorry no one here by that name, they just just brought her in of course you wont' see her on the computer, HELLO, idiot he says nope she's not here, I was pissed I told him go look please, she's not here!<br />I was beyond pissed I told him your to lazy to get up and then another security saw how upset I was and went to check but at this point I walked out and around to the ambulance station and I said did you guys bring Charlie from Broad Brook, he says oh yes, come come with me.<br />The moment I walked in some lady greeted me, little did I know she was a Chaplin at the hospital, I didn't even bother to ask she just put her hand on my back and said Hi i'm so and so and I said I'm Mary, Charlies mom and brought me over to the Dr's from the ER where they asked me a million questions. I remember asking when can I see her, I want to see her they said we are trying to stabilize her now just a few more minutes. They told me your prognosis after a few minutes, the Dr. says we are doing everything to make her comfortable and we need to do a Catscan, the ambulance crew just brought her back, which means they just got her heart started again right before she arrived to the hospital, little did I know this would be your downfall. It takes half n hour to get to Hartford from our house.<br />They explained to me what they were going to do and they advised me you were still having mini seizures and to go in and see you. Nelson walked in and had so many questions, I couldn't answer we decided it would be best to get the kids home and out of the hospital because they all wanted to go in and see you but the Chaplin advised us against it. We would have to call his sister to come get them because he was going to leave me the car and he would go to work, Yes work, what a manly thing to do right?<br />We walk out to the main area and sit and talk and Nelson says you have to stay strong, she's gonna pull through this, you'll see. Kisses me forehead squeezes my hand and his eyes are telling me the complete opposite. Funny how you realize all this after the fact :/ I remember telling him I have to step out and call my sis, I called her and remember sitting on a bench outside of the hospital crying, maybe even screaming and i remember lil of the conversation we had other than telling her that I thought Charlie was dying, I was so scared and didn't know what happened.<br />Nelson walks out to get me and tells me the lady is looking for me, ok I walk in and she says you should come in and be with Charlie, she is moving and it would be nice for you to be by her side, so I told Nelson ok I'm going in kissed all the kids answered none of their questions and told them I'd see them later and I would call.<br />I walked in to see you and all I could see were these tubes and your beautiful red streaks of hair, I was hoping this was all a horrible nightmare and I was going to wake up and I was going to sit and tell you about it and you were going to say what, gosh mom that crazy!<br />You were still shaking, I was worried, I asked the nurse why are you doing that? she said you were still having min seizures but that she had just given you medicine and they would stop. She siad talk to her, you can touch her it's ok she needs to know your here, so I did I caressed your hair, your cheeks your hand I was limited because you had so many things on you and around you. I was so scared, I couldn't think straight, I started talking to you about the kids and Nelson and how we were suppose to go to the Big E, apple picking, and to the pumpkin farm. You had dug the dirt out for your fire pit so we could make a bon fire, I just rambled and rambled until they told me they were going to move you and I said you have to pull through Charlie, you have to so we could do all of those upcoming things.... I sat outside the door it hadn't hit me yet, I still had HOPE, HOPE I was going to see you sitting up and smiling and all this would be something we'd smile and talk about. They gave me your belongings and said to follow them, they were moving you to the ICU unit, ICU huhhhh It still hadn't dawned on me what that meant. I followed and then the Dr. said we are going to insert a tube and this machine will whatever whatever all I could hear was bla bla nothing was registering in my mind all I heard was wait here and we'll come get you when we are done. An hour went by and I thought, what is going on I was sitting in a waiting room w/other people waiting like me so I got on the phone and called em, my daughter Charlie was brought an hour ago I'd like to see her hold on, a nurse comes out and says we are still getting her situated and comfortable another half hour and I'll come get you. Ok at this point I'm restless, I can't remember what I did or who I called it's all just a big blank canvas.<br />This was only the beginning of what was to come and what we would lose, we watched so many families come and go and ours took over the family room so many of us, 4 sisters, 1 brother, plus Significant others, my mom and your dad and other sister. We spent 5 days at the hospital wishing an hoping and when it all came down it it, my heart had been pulled out of my mouth and all I could do was hold you and reminisce about the good times.....<br /></span></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><a style="font-family: arial;" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwZylxUirYBAO7xbu5x6z5_s-Ofx9MxVereAGppvgAcSBxyOUWof0K1_q65kdrpkjg6_MaotMWR4exx9dYfLMmAHFL5bCKCleEEl9HBomeCsFbN-B-gFcZ0jokZ6pToquk-u38Pb0nlIUk/s1600/c%2526m-in-hosp.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwZylxUirYBAO7xbu5x6z5_s-Ofx9MxVereAGppvgAcSBxyOUWof0K1_q65kdrpkjg6_MaotMWR4exx9dYfLMmAHFL5bCKCleEEl9HBomeCsFbN-B-gFcZ0jokZ6pToquk-u38Pb0nlIUk/s400/c%2526m-in-hosp.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5657433217654709154" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;font-size:100%;" >It's been a year and I can finally share one photo of us, I did blur you out as much as I could b/c I know how private you like to be but I need this to remind me of what once was will never ever be again, I love you and miss you Charlie girl. Until we meet again I have my memories of your laughter, strength and adventerous soul.</span><br /></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-18178663112173256252011-09-19T08:17:00.000-07:002011-09-19T08:24:04.503-07:00<h6 style="text-align: center; color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: normal;font-family:arial;" class="uiStreamMessage" ft="{"type":1}"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="messageBody" ft="{"type":3}">A Mask I Wear<br /><br />There are tears behind my smile<br />And a mask I wear...it's called denial<br />Life is tragically to real<br />From this loss I will not heal<br /><br />No one has a single clue<br />How much it hurts...my losing you<br />Although they think I'm doing fine<br />Sometimes I feel I've lost my mind<br /><br />Memories are all that I have left<br />After this terrible life theft<br />A heart that hurts beyond control<br />Deep down to my very soul<br /><br />There are tears behind my smile<br />And a mask I wear...it's called denial<br />I have cried with and without tears<br />And have been doing so for years<br /><br />I have found no place to hide<br />Carry all of this inside<br />No earthly words that do explain<br />The kind of life that does remain<br /><br />I look for signs most every day<br />That you are close...not far away<br />I play a game within my heart<br />As if you never did depart<br /><br />There are tears behind my smile<br />And a mask I wear...it's called denial<br />Missing you my special child<br />When you were here I truly smiled.<br />-Unknown</span></span></h6>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-3223258951890168482011-09-05T21:10:00.000-07:002011-09-05T22:08:56.819-07:00This Month!!<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;">Charlie girl, The most depressing month has come upon me and it all started when I knew that school was going to start... It all brought me back to the horrible events of last year...<br />Today they had the Labor Day parade that I didn't even bother with, it's all to much. I feel better staying away from it b/c I know the color guard flags will be twirling and as much as I saw your face light up when you were doing it, I can't bare to watch the new girls :/<br />It's all so fresh in my mind I play back our last days and conversations in my mind, well what I remember alot b/c I have the photos otherwise I'd be so so LOST.<br />I cannot begin to tell you the regret I feel the regret I live with that your last day I couldn't spend it with you at the BIG E. It's so hard for me not to feel this way because I replay the events, the circumstance in my head over and over and the what if is always with me. It's all just so fucked up and I am not in a great place right now.<br />We haven't gone to a fair, carnival or anything like that I think this time last year we had already gone to 3. I have made a promise though I will be going to this years Big E I don't think the dates will be the hottest time to go but I'm hoping that you'll be with me in spirit and pushing me along my way about that I heard something the other day that made me stop and think.<br />I often have doubt about what people experience and what they say about people who have passed and how they say they have visions and send messages. It's hard not to be that way when you never experience stuff like that for yourself, kwim.<br />I know people know we are hurting and I am one that hates the idea of being taken advantage of. If you visit your siblings please continue to do so. They love you, miss you and I swear that Mason sees you in the cemetery. Everytime we pass one and he's aware of it he says mami lali is their mami? I have to believe that b/c we never ever told him you were buried in a cemetery. I do love the fact that it's going to be a year and his lil heart is hangin on to you, your memory, I pray that he never forgets you. Your bonded in so many ways :| Love you baby girl and I continue to put on my face!!<br /><h6 style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;" class="uiStreamMessage" ft="{"type":1}"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="messageBody" ft="{"type":3}">There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving</span></span></h6><br /></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-86920469971425100572011-08-29T18:19:00.000-07:002011-08-29T18:20:34.854-07:00After loss.....<div style="text-align: center; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption">THE AFTER LOSS CREDO</span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption">I need to talk about my loss.</span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption">I may often need to tell you wh<span class="text_exposed_show">at happened -</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">or to ask you why it happened.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">face the reality of the death of my loved one.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">I need to know that you care about me.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">I need to feel your touch, your hugs.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">I need you just to be "with" me.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">(And I need to be with you.)</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">I need to know you believe in me and in my</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">ability to get through my grief in my own way.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">(And in my own time.)</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Please don't judge me now -</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">or think that I'm behaving strangely.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Remember I'm grieving.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">I may even be in shock.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Don't worry if you think I'm getting better</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">and then suddenly I seem to slip backward.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Grief makes me behave this way at times.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">And please don't tell me you "know how I feel,"</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">or that it's time for me to get on with my life.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">(I am probably already saying this to myself.)</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">What I need now is time to grieve and to recover.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Most of all, thank you for being my friend.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Thank you for your patience.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Thank you for caring.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Thank you for helping, for understanding.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Thank you for praying for me.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">And remember, in the days or years ahead,</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">when you may have a loss - when you need me</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">as I have needed you - I will understand.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">And then I will come and be with you.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;" class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show">Author: Barbara Hills LesStrang</span></span></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-80327965460552753962011-08-13T09:40:00.000-07:002011-08-15T20:21:00.229-07:00denial<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie girl, It's going to be 11 mths soon since you left us and I can't say that my days are any better. They say that the feelings of loss get softer but I'm not sure when that's going to happen. I'm back to my sleepless nights...
<br />It's crazy how the every day normal never effected you before but now they do. I see an ambulance w/the lights on and rushing by me and It brings me back to that horrific night. I often wonder if mistakes were made, if I should go and ask for your medical records no matter the cost. It's something I think about often you know it's like that lil devil and angel on opposite sides of your shoulder saying why now, why not? siggghhh I tend to be in a car driving so I try to stay focused and push the emotions back way back into my mind it helps until it happens all over again :/
<br />You know we went to Seaside Heights the other day and OMG all of these memories came swarming back into my head, it was crazy here i was sitting on the beach on this beautiful windy day and I was crying just the smell of the beach wow it did it to me. I thought of so many summers we spent down the shore and when you begged to go into the casino with me in Atlantic City and I gave in and they kicked us out right when we hit the floor, I lol afterward b/c that was a moment I had totally forgotten about, i mean you were lil like 7 or 8 and finally I could remember something. Yeah thats one of my problems my memory is not all that great, it sucks and then again it's ok not sure which way to sway i guess it mainly depends on how I'm feeling!
<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTIu7ElV7Zd2NYE7bTnnocmxjY6U6WFiQp1pZV0OiKWwjTqH-uLKMrwJ89AK5xYzDkc7cKZt1Ej85VpAQfqJi1OpfKES9yF248CRDY8Hw1wH73wcDATg_CadQF-1mC5LsDmJ24I-GpL9kK/s1600/Charlie+%253BD+003-1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 287px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTIu7ElV7Zd2NYE7bTnnocmxjY6U6WFiQp1pZV0OiKWwjTqH-uLKMrwJ89AK5xYzDkc7cKZt1Ej85VpAQfqJi1OpfKES9yF248CRDY8Hw1wH73wcDATg_CadQF-1mC5LsDmJ24I-GpL9kK/s400/Charlie+%253BD+003-1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641287863048800130" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-size:100%;">and I just had to share this flashback photo, wow this is priceless to me!!! You were always so cute and everything fit you perfectly.. I miss it, miss it allllll soooo much Charlie girl!
<br /></span></div>
<br />Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-85511379168599037572011-07-13T20:12:00.001-07:002011-07-13T20:25:22.083-07:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie here is your yearbook memorial page... I've only seen it twice it's too much to even look at right now :/<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTlf2SwBfhsNK-Vobc_A28UbqvjonjEQb-whinZlX8ZaICtCr_qNUKWEBaDWUUuj84263y6jn2WANAe_UCrgpnvl8uqBAj7OuCUQoaofjKo561BaayyVCcK3AorK_rOozZ-uKzSK6JEMaD/s1600/_MG_2856-1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTlf2SwBfhsNK-Vobc_A28UbqvjonjEQb-whinZlX8ZaICtCr_qNUKWEBaDWUUuj84263y6jn2WANAe_UCrgpnvl8uqBAj7OuCUQoaofjKo561BaayyVCcK3AorK_rOozZ-uKzSK6JEMaD/s400/_MG_2856-1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5629042569425563442" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;">Do not stand at my grave and weep</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;">I am not there. I do not sleep.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;">I am a thousand winds that blow.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;">I am the diamond glints on snow.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;">I am the sunlight on ripened grain.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">I am the gentle autumn rain.</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">When you awaken in the morning's hush</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">I am the swift uplifting rush</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">Of quiet birds in circled flight.</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">I am the soft stars that shine at night.</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">Do not stand at my grave and cry;</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">I am not there. I did not die.</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span jsid="text" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show">By Mary Frye</span></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-90186961290688163902011-07-04T21:28:00.000-07:002011-07-04T21:59:47.913-07:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: arial;">Charlie my love you did it and we were all so sad that you were n0t to here to enjoy the fruits of<br /> your long hours of labor in school but we came out to support you hoping and wishing you<br />were with us in spirit. We love you and are so PROUD!!!<br />I could ramble for ever what this day meant to me with out you but i'll tell you in simple terms that<span class="messageBody" ft="{"type":3}"> <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Death changes and challenges everything about you and your life!</span></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYduRY9Zs03lT_r_mENHLQjhNuVFzg13oxExnJsNzkS7490pnRUTvNH0AOuZtvp9Gcfpfe6NKD3_R-CblqLGmPRUg8E0kgymP8K0gCacOwblT96Sp2UgElp1LCpYLvsyrR6PatBSij2wb9/s1600/P1010675-1-2.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYduRY9Zs03lT_r_mENHLQjhNuVFzg13oxExnJsNzkS7490pnRUTvNH0AOuZtvp9Gcfpfe6NKD3_R-CblqLGmPRUg8E0kgymP8K0gCacOwblT96Sp2UgElp1LCpYLvsyrR6PatBSij2wb9/s400/P1010675-1-2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625721900203661026" border="0" /></a><br />I've had the car like this since your grad 6.24 and not sure just yet when I'll wash it off but we'll see.<br />I have to say that I often sit and wonder what my life is like now and what is was like when you<br />were here and it SUX major monkey balls!!!<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuM7n1wXl-6NLyP0I73y38DK9EKJFNUxbTjR8HN4wkJH6gY0gEBZEuepNAaJ8inIq2F8zrCb-IYegXFEYM359UVPOPVIJkl0Hu4WTjswOMQcoMt_DabyK9oRYXTZbUEwSa_arQeT_flC02/s1600/P1010519-1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuM7n1wXl-6NLyP0I73y38DK9EKJFNUxbTjR8HN4wkJH6gY0gEBZEuepNAaJ8inIq2F8zrCb-IYegXFEYM359UVPOPVIJkl0Hu4WTjswOMQcoMt_DabyK9oRYXTZbUEwSa_arQeT_flC02/s400/P1010519-1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625721909180394066" border="0" /></a><br />Everyday is a new reminder that you are missing and as the months pass I wish It could get<br />easier but I have my moments where I regress and then I have my moments where I snap out of<br />it and keep it movin. I wish I had the answer on why life has to be this way but sadly I don't who does? IDK!!! <br />I talk to other parents who understand my pain the loss of a child and we all wonder about the<br />same things, why why and why? I sometimes feel guilt because I want you to be here with us but then again I feel that where you are their are no worries, pain, sickness and I have to comfort<br />myself with knowing this because anything else would knock me over in a deep depression! sighhhhh... I wanted to share with you that Gio and Cely passed and Mason your lil boo will start pre-k next Aug. He still loves his hot dogs cut up and his boiled eggs in the morning He has fits when it's not done..... thanks so much for creating that lil monster part of him!!!<br /><br />Our beings will always be missing you and thinking of you "/"<br /><br />and I'll leave you with this.....<span class="messageBody" ft="{"type":3}"> It's so hard to do but great food for thought!!</span><br /><span class="messageBody" ft="{"type":3}"><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102); font-weight: bold;">Laugh when you can..✿. Apologize when you should..✿. And let go of what you can't change... Love deeply and forgive quickly... Take chances and give your everything..✿. Life is too short to be anything but happy...✿ You have to take the good with the bad...✿ Love what you have... Always remember what you had... Forgive and forget.✿..and always remember.. that life goes on..✿.</span></span><br /></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-72039028429201781512011-05-23T20:49:00.000-07:002011-05-23T21:08:48.372-07:00Donor Family Gathering...<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie, We went to celebrate your donation of life to so many. While I sat their at the gathering my mind was wondering. I asked my self over and over why can we give some one your liver, lungs, heart, kidney, tissue and bone but we couldn't get/give you a new brain? Why?<br />Is this some cruel joke? That only I don't get, why do these donor recipients and their family get to be so happy and I suffer my loss every second, minute, moment of the day.<br />I try to get by knowing you did an amazing thing but it's so hard not to be selfish, I miss you and would much rather still have you here making me laugh, listening to you growl and watchin you walk out the door wearing your dress to go to your upcoming senior banquet. sigghhhh It's just so hard knowing everything i'm missing and they have gained so much... It's just not fair!!!<br /> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiQMru79G97xMy8e1usguR-FfnkbaTubRyWcTNgOAj4nRenmaB78VknWrV0jX_5TJ8OBpjBuNnlUj0DO63cgLXBx7rhFcTSaQ8x9W1zq7Qb3kWQLhO6y1rH9LYGh5eJiSGfke_zAVcRNkN/s1600/05-19-11+Domi+ACO.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiQMru79G97xMy8e1usguR-FfnkbaTubRyWcTNgOAj4nRenmaB78VknWrV0jX_5TJ8OBpjBuNnlUj0DO63cgLXBx7rhFcTSaQ8x9W1zq7Qb3kWQLhO6y1rH9LYGh5eJiSGfke_zAVcRNkN/s400/05-19-11+Domi+ACO.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5610125556742252722" border="0" /></a></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-29249496647160927862011-05-04T12:51:00.000-07:002011-05-04T12:54:05.496-07:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie what can I say that' hasn't already been said, I miss you , I love you and I hate that today brings me so much sorrow and I don't know why. I just want to crawl into bed and not think of anything I want a blank mind today, I will get through it but not sure how just yet... My heart is missing you so much today :<<br /><br />A poem to share :/<br /></span></div><h6 style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);" class="uiStreamMessage" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="messageBody">My mom, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,<br />but from now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.<br /><br /><span class="text_exposed_show">Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain,<br />she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.<br /><br />Ask my mom how she is, she'll say, "I'm alright"<br />If that's the truth then tell me, why does she cry each night?<br /><br />Ask my mom how she is, she seems to cope so well,<br />she doesn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell.<br /><br />Ask my mom how she is, "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping,"<br />For God's sake mom, just tell the truth, just say your heart is broken.<br /><br />She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine,<br />But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine.<br /><br />I am here in heaven, I cannot hug from here,<br />If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.<br /><br />On the day we meet again I'll smile and I'll be bold,<br />I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom, with all the lies you told!</span></span></span></h6>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-51325665664559218852011-05-01T19:56:00.000-07:002011-05-01T20:03:13.474-07:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie today we went to Chuck E Cheese a different one than the one we went tooooo...<br />I can't tell you all the energy it took me to be there, I do it for you and for the kids but my heart was aching b/c I remember the last time WE were there u found a bug in your food and we got free food after that, we laughed about it and enjoyed our food and then played the games sighhhh we had the best day ever that day :/</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">We thought of you today, </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">But that is nothing new.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">We thought of you yesterday </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">And will tomorrow, too. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">We think of you in silence </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">And make no outward show,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">For what it meant to lose you</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Only those who love you know. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Remembering you is easy </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">We do it everyday. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">It's the heartache of losing you </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">That will never go away.</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" ><span class="messageBody"><span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> Author unknown</span></span></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-40194901413504130762011-04-28T09:01:00.000-07:002011-04-28T09:08:32.879-07:00Graduation Candy.....<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new;font-size:100%;" >Charlie this made me cry so much, who knew these cute</span><span style="font-family: courier new;font-size:100%;" ><a href="http://www.hostessblog.com/2009/05/chocolate-graduation-cap-candy-pops/" title="Permalink to Chocolate Graduation Cap Candy Pops" rel="bookmark"> Chocolate Graduation Cap Candy Pops</a> would have such an effect on me. It's another reminder of what I'm going to miss this year :( I can always imagine it in my mind you walking down the aisle with that big beautiful smile and eyes lit up like theirs no tomorrow and the reality is their is no you in today or tomorrow :| I'm only left with what if's and my mind still trying to make sense of it all.. I miss you so Charlie Warlie!!!<br /></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.hostessblog.com/2009/05/chocolate-graduation-cap-candy-pops/"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 475px; height: 333px;" src="http://cdn.hostessblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/graduation_candypops_1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-57010544324378240642011-04-25T07:32:00.000-07:002011-04-25T07:32:00.461-07:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(102, 51, 102);"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie today was Easter Sunday and I got through it, I woke up made breakfast, got everything ready so we could dye eggs outside, yeah we did something different b/c the sun was gracious enough to come out even though we had the occasional sprinkle of rain, did you have something to do with that? I felt like it was something you'd be like jaaa jaaaaa just for you so I sat their and enjoyed it! We hid the eggs the kids found em ran around and enjoyed the time outside in the sun. Then we BBQ'd. I was sad b/c I enjoyed my whole day but I knew the hi-lite of our times together were our BBQ's and we were missing you.... It was starting to dawn on me and just made me really sad and I didn't want to be but it's so hard knowing that you are suppose to be here with us helping us, laughing cracking your sarcasm and annoying your lil brothers sighhhh sighhhhhhhh....<br />While sitting outside Cely brought my attention to your window in your room, I got this eary feeling not a bad one but one that was like someone was watching you kinda feeling so I had to keep looking up to your window to see maybe if I would see something that I know wasn't really suppose<br />to be their, I saw nothing but I couldn't shake the feeling. I got a<br />lil frustrated but that's just me and my mind games :/ I try so hard not<br />to do it but what can I say I miss my child, my Charlie!<br />U know I came across this layout I did last year we didn't BBQ on this<br />day but we had started the fire and were all outside just hanging out<br />one big grateful family. So this time last year this was us happy full<br />of laughter and so much joy that we had this day together. We had just overcome a huge hurdle in our lives and now I look at this today and<br />think what a set up this was for what was to come and is my life now :( <br />It's all so unfair ......<br /><a href="http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/28091_1444412991723_1275081474_1295483_7206733_n.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 500px;" src="http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/28091_1444412991723_1275081474_1295483_7206733_n.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />----------------------------------------<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">They say there is a reason,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">They say that time will heal,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">But neither time nor reason,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">Will change the way I feel,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">For no-one knows the heartache,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">That lies behind our smiles,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">No-one knows how many times,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">We have broken down and cried,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">We want to tell you something</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">So there won't be any doubt,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">You're so wonderful to think of,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 51); font-weight: bold;">But so hard to be without.<br /><br />Every single word of this is TRUE my heart aches with out YOU!!!<br /></span></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-69826882817862311162011-04-22T14:02:00.000-07:002011-04-22T14:15:45.889-07:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie, I was sitting outside for a lil while with the kids so they could burn off some energy. Gio says to me mom, mom why do you look so sad? I sad huhhh he said your not really watching us and you look so SAD! I hugged him and told him I'm ok I promise, How could I tell him that when I see some young kid driving by I imagine you driving home with this cheezy smile on ur face, the window rolled down enjoying the cool air and the music on Full blast because I know how much you loved to blast it in the car when we were driving together but most of all how you had I don't give a shit attitude and you were never for the bullshit! :/ How could I tell him that and make him understand that my heart aches for you and the simplest of things that these young kids do just make me sad for the things that I will never get to see/have :| I love you and miss you so so much Charlie Warlie!!!!<br />-------------------------------<br />I want to share a<strong> A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List....................</strong></span> </div><p style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;"> I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name.<br /></span></p><p style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">My child lived and was very important to me.</span></p><p style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;"> I need to hear that my child was<span class="text_exposed_show"> important to you also.</span></span></p><p style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had my child back.</span></p><div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you<span class="text_exposed_show"> <p>knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the</p> <p>cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed</p> <p>me to share my grief. I thank you for both. </p></span></span>Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.<span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show"><p> I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want</p> <p>you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you</p> <p>would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.</p> <p>I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my</p> <p>child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things</p> <p>through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. </p></span></span>I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. The months/years are<span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show"> <p>traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will</p> <p>never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.</p> <p>I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand</p> <p>that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will</p> <p>always grieve that my child is gone.</p> <p> I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or “be happy”.</p> <p>Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.</p> <p>I don’t want to have a “pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. </p></span></span>I must hurt before I can heal. <span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><span class="text_exposed_show"> <p>I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is</p> <p>miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be</p> <p>as patient with me as I am with you.<br /></p></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show"><p>When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily. </p></span></span>I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very<span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show"> <p>normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are</p> <p>all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or</p> <p>irritable and cranky. Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice.</p> <p>However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you</p> <p>could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time.</p> <p>Please excuse me if I seem rude, it’s certainly not my intent.</p> <p>Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When</p> <p>I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time</p> <p>alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died,</p> <p>a big part of me died too. I am not the same person I was before my</p> <p>child died and I will never be that person ever again.<br /></p></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="text_exposed_show"><p>I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had my child back.</p></span></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-37229041045453184402011-03-25T10:27:00.000-07:002011-03-25T10:34:43.880-07:00<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);"><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">6 months today with out you...</span></span></span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);"><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 51, 102);">How will things ever get easier without you being here? </span></span></span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);"><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);">My loss of you is not any easier..</span></span></span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);"><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Denial</span> </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Denial</span></span> Denial!!!!<span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0); font-weight: bold;"><br />My NEW reality!!!</span></span></span></span></span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 102, 0);"><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"></span></span></span></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-13292328020521673122011-03-22T20:43:00.000-07:002011-03-22T21:07:25.311-07:00Go to Girl!!<div style="text-align: center; font-family: arial; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Charlie, ahhhh what can I say other than our go to girl is not here and everything is crumblin around me. I feel like this house of cards will be blown a lil to much to the left and it will be gone. I will have a serious lapse of judgment and I will no longer be the responsible adult I've always been, yeah something we've always had in common even though you weren't an adult you were a child!!!<br />Gio is missing you I mean beyond any explanation I could ever give him to make him feel secure and good. His go to girl is gone, his comic book drawings, pokemon cartoons and Vegeta comics/books are all falling on confuzzled ears and eyes. U were the one that drew him into all of that and he is so wrapped up in it.. He feels like that is his connection to you and forbid anyone to try and pull him away from it!!!<br />I've tried to explain to him to make him understand these are all ok but their will be days and moments where we will neeeeeddd a lil more explanation oh and he is good at explaining yup reminds me so much of you, it's scary sometimes!! he's only 8 and so misunderstood right now. I ache b/c I can't have you back with us!!!!<br />I know you'd so be scolding me right now for this but I totally feel like this right now anyone that gets in my way or says something stupid to me this is what they will get!!!<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn6UPsT_JRXeoFfq3lxg9nzB7SyCyMz0BxGAi542xlCgrRlv2sCrNrejEzmnwm_KBcUvY-4N8Bzukz9t7-ahbMNgXTGv1fjGaxK_Yor4DpopwySi3la7w0WM-cI-oLuOD_6kOewemJ-FSs/s1600/Mason1+copy.png"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 238px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn6UPsT_JRXeoFfq3lxg9nzB7SyCyMz0BxGAi542xlCgrRlv2sCrNrejEzmnwm_KBcUvY-4N8Bzukz9t7-ahbMNgXTGv1fjGaxK_Yor4DpopwySi3la7w0WM-cI-oLuOD_6kOewemJ-FSs/s400/Mason1+copy.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586585021552510578" border="0" /></a><br />U know why he uses this finger, lol we tried and tried and to no avail it's just not working he loves that one so whateva, that's totally my mood and motto now!!!<br />Tia and Titi Ro will be going to the Ceremony with me at the beginnin of the month, damn damn what I would do just so I could have you here instead of the ceremonies, is that crazy talk maybe but it's just the mother inside of me talking, i know what my new reality really is!!<br />I miss you Charlie Warlie and a poem to describe how I feel without you, my love!<br /><h6 style="font-family: courier new; font-weight: normal; color: rgb(102, 51, 102);" class="uiStreamMessage" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span class="messageBody">MISSING YOU<br /><br />I just can't believe it...<br /><span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show">The sun still rises and sets,<br />The moon and stars still shine,<br />The flowers still bloom, The birds still sing.<br />I expected a change in everything.<br /><br />I just can't believe it...<br />It still gets dark and light,<br />The ocean still has waves,<br />The rain still rains, The wind still blows,<br />Is it because they do not know?<br /><br />I just can't believe it...<br />I thought the world would stop<br />When in my house I found<br />an empty chair, a missing smile<br />I thought it would stop For just a while.<br />I just can't believe it...<br /><br />--Gretta Viney</span></span></span></h6><br />nope I just can't believe it the world never stops no matter what!!!<br /><br /></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-14978796267488133542011-02-28T20:13:00.000-08:002011-02-28T21:36:25.687-08:00Not neglected just looked the other way....<div style="text-align: center; font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie, wow I know your thinking hmmm what has this Woman been up to I loved it when you said that Woman, Woman I am speaking to you, LOL how I'd smile so big when I heard that I truly truly miss hearing your voice amongst all the other one thousand things :(<br />I have well let's see if I can put it all into words so you know how I've been feeling since my last entry... <span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/affecting"></a><span id="hotword"> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">falling</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">apart,</span></span><span id="hotword"> <span style="cursor: default; background-color: transparent;" id="hotword" name="hotword">heartwarming,</span> <span id="hotword" name="hotword">heated,</span> </span><span id="hotword"> </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/impassioned">impassioned</a><span id="hotword">,</span><span id="hotword"> </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/impulsive">impulsive</a><span id="hotword">, </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/irrational">irrational</a><span id="hotword">, </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/moving">moving</a><span id="hotword">, </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/nervous">nervous</a><span id="hotword">,</span><span id="hotword"> </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/passionate">passionate</a><span id="hotword">, </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/pathetic">pathetic</a><span id="hotword">,</span><span id="hotword"> </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/sentimental">sentimental</a><span id="hotword">, </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/spontaneous">spontaneous</a><span id="hotword">, <span id="hotword" name="hotword">stirred,</span> </span><span id="hotword"><span id="hotword" name="hotword">tear-jerking,</span> </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/temperamental">temperamental</a><span id="hotword">, </span><a class="theColor" rel="nofollow" href="http://thesaurus.com/browse/tender">tender</a><span id="hotword">,</span><span style="text-decoration: underline;"> loving,</span></span><span><span style="text-decoration: underline;"> open, </span></span><span><span style="text-decoration: underline;">restrained</span></span> well how's that for emotions I'm sure I could'a threw in like 20 more but I'm sure you get the point!<br />So remember when I said that your room would remain untouched well I wish I could have went back and just deleted that whole thing but it was my heartfelt intention as you know we are a big family and while we have 4 bedrooms we have to maneuver them properly. You, Cely & Gio were the lucky one's to not have to share rooms for awhile well all that changed b/c Ro Ro came back home after you left us and then earlier this year a week after I wrote the other entry Helena came back home so I had to with lots of angst and a heavy heart take your room apart and give it to one of your sisters, In case you haven't guessed, it was Cely that got it. She was excited to be in there so she went in happily. I can't have a 6 yr old with a 20 yr old and 16yr old right? Right!!<br />The emotions that I felt being in there and cleaning everything just spun me into a roller coaster frenzy of feelings. It was hard looking, smelling, feeling, knowing that your life was crammed into this lil room and I had to put it all away, I felt like I was putting you away and while I know that's not true because I carry you in my heart, I just wanted to be able to give you that room just for you but it just wasn't possible. Gio did get your bunk bed Mason occasionally sleeps on the bottom and so 3 weeks after that I finally went in to clean your bathroom well the emotions were still raw and this just brought everything back I scrubbed, scrubbed and scrubbed rather than scream and curse I can't believe I had neglected all that dirty clothes in your bathroom but at this point who cares! I never knew your heart could race the way mine did I could hear my own thoughts it felt like I was in one of those movies where it's all closing in on you so I had to step away for a bit I felt so hot and fidgety it was just a weird overall feeling and I for sure knew why I was doing everything and while I cried and tried to fightback my tears so I cold just finish the task at hand it dawned on me it really dawned on me that you were never never never really coming back and while I wasn't ready to be doing what I did in your room, it helped me a lil during my roller coaster of emotions :( I had had that private <span id="hotword"><span style="cursor: default; background-color: transparent;" id="hotword" name="hotword">mental</span> <span style="cursor: default; background-color: transparent;" id="hotword" name="hotword"></span></span>moment well not my first but an important one!!<br />So I realized that I will be doing this a lot and that's ok because this is the only way I'm going to get through my grief, I know some people think gosh when is she going to get over it she has 5 other kids well my five will never make up for you, your all special in your own unique ways and it's not ok for anyone to judge someone else's GRIEF. This is not one of those walk a day in my shoes moments, who would want to lose a child and experience the ups and downs the uncertainty of emotions that come with each day because your child that you carried for 38 weeks, nurtured, loved more than life itself was about to begin her own journey in the real world has been ripped away from you all of it just snuffed away just like that from one moment to the next.. well I thought for one moment tragedy had struck us once again your cousin Pilo which I truly believe you were his Angel looking over him so he could come back to us. He had a severe asthma attack,he stopped breathing and thankfully made it to the hospital in time, he was hospitalized over 2 weeks in the PICU after 2 days we go the best news his cat scan was perfect he was going to be okay but with time so lil by lil everyday we sat by his side and I silently prayed that you'd guide him back to us and you did, I'd like to believe it was you pushing him back to us telling him he had to come back to his mom and sister b/c they needed him here.... Charlie it was really so hard for me to be by his side seeing him with his tubes and machines it hit home and after we left him 5 days later I came home and I was on my roller coaster all over again!! Everyday after the news was positive and I secretly wished I could go back in time and you'd have the same outcome but here I sit typing this knowing that, that's not true. I'm so very grateful for my sisters happiness and Pilo's health I will continue to stay grateful for them, I know that their is a higher power and I'm grateful for that.<br />I also wanted to let you that their will be a Donate Life ceremony next month I've been asked to submit a photo and attend, I'm sad to say this but I almost forgot that their are pieces of you vital pieces in someone else somewhere out there in this wold we call earth!! Will destiny be bliss? we'll seee..... I love you so much Charlie Warlie >3<br /></span></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></span></div><span> </span>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-36569360818823311002011-01-10T18:14:00.000-08:002011-01-10T21:44:17.237-08:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(102, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie, today has been a trying day. I woke up on a mission and cleaned, cleaned & cleaned. I almost went in your room and then I just backed away from the door. I guess you can say I woke up angry and just feeling crappy so instead of beating myself all morning I decided to put my negativity to some good use and that is where the cleaning came in.<br />I wanted to tell you that I'm in need of your bunk bed I want to buy a new one but the one I want is really expensive and I have yours and I could never ever get rid of it, gosh I think I'd hyperventilate and pass out before it went out to the garbage nope not my plan but my plan is to move it to your brothers room. I know they'd put it to good use and I think it would really make Gio happy he asked me about it the other day and while I shut him down immediately, he got me thinking and well I'll most def put your blankets away I know how proud you were of them when you went and bought them @ Target & you found BLACK yup your most fav non color as you explained it to me you were ohh so beaming that day after you made your purchase and came home to make your bed. So that is why I come here today to let you know what my plan is and your room will have a bed you'll have his. No one uses ur room but who knows maybe one day that will change not tomorrow or next month but one day :(<br />Okay so the whole reason I feel like crap and so angry is because every night before I go to bed I do my ritual go check on all the kiddos make sure everyone stayed covered and is sleeping in the right beds the heat is on the right setting and then I know I know this but it's so hard to come to terms with, I see your door and I know that inside that door the room is empty, I know this but I can't get over the hollow feeling I get when I pass your door it's enough to make me want to just kick it in and scream how unfair everything is but then I know that the kids would get scared and Nelson would probably think that I've lost it!! So I walk away and I come to my bed and I lay down and I have to tell myself that I didn't get that goodnight from you because your not here anymore and then in the morning when I wake up it's the same thing I have to tell myself that I didn't get the good morning/later b/c your not here anymore. You are physically not here on this earth so this has become a ritual for 108 days a new ritual that I so hate it really makes me cranky and just so angry but I wake up and I go on I try and try to stay strong b/c I know you would demand it!!!<br />I love you and miss you more than words can ever express!!<br /></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-71118446423229708672010-12-29T09:23:00.000-08:002010-12-30T09:42:31.141-08:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie, We went to visit Santa the other day w/all the kiddos and we took your picture with us so you could be included in the moment/memory. It was really sad b/c I knew that this was the only way I was going to be able to include you in our New Memories and the significance of why we had the photo and not your physical body :| So we go to take the photo and the photog says who's that in the picture it took alot to keep myself composed but I did it, I told him that's My Charlie, my daughter she passed 9.25.10 and we want to include her in these moments. He was like OMG i'm so sorry I didn't mean anything by it, I'm so sorry for your loss. I said it's ok i'm glad you asked and were just happy she can be hear in some way! I finished my photos and I walked away and below is what we took.<br /></span></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6wuUBN8oJuGeWlePinNlAOBE9Ub0nWIdvvDIXyVIC5wMZLdL77MzMEebmDap0qZGNT0TjguxenfiSktl5LdKOR_u9wSbfw1KECfTYCQt1YcDlZacFQBe-z-EuB07GPiBLRo_RGedmWjQj/s1600/hh.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 275px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6wuUBN8oJuGeWlePinNlAOBE9Ub0nWIdvvDIXyVIC5wMZLdL77MzMEebmDap0qZGNT0TjguxenfiSktl5LdKOR_u9wSbfw1KECfTYCQt1YcDlZacFQBe-z-EuB07GPiBLRo_RGedmWjQj/s400/hh.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5556527423329620978" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;">Yeah Tia Cesy was there w/the kiddos and we had a good time. I hope you like it!<br />Later that evening Cesy and I were talking about you we went into your room and I laid in your bed she sat on your lil stool and she told me something that I have been in my heart wishing for so badly. All I can say is that I pray one day that it will happen to me but knowing what I do makes me so happy and full of hope. I love you Charlie and we all miss you these days especially b/c it's the Holiday and your not around to celebrate with us but I take it one minute at a time and try to go with the mood of the kids, I don't want to ruin the moment for them, Yeah sad I know but that's how I play it in my mind so I go with it and I feel like it's something that you'd be pushing me to do, u know Yes I know you know. I miss you Charlie and i'll be waiting for that sign from you..<br />oh and before I go a poem I found I want to share!!<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Time will Ease The Hurt <---- I hope so </span><img style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);" src="http://forum.digiscrappersbrasil.com.br/images/smilies/sad.gif" alt="" title="Sad" class="inlineimg" border="0" /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> The sadness of the present days Is locked and set in time </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">and moving to the future is a slow and painful climb. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">But all the feelings that are now So vivid and so real </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Can't hold their fresh intensity As time begins to heal. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">No wound so deep will ever go Entirely away; </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Yet every hurt becomes A little less from day to day. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Nothing can erase the painful imprints on your mind;</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> But there are softer memories that time will let you find. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Though your heart won't let the sadnessSimply slide away, </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">The echoes will diminish even though memories stay.</span></span><br /></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-56792496383483983602010-12-17T08:20:00.000-08:002010-12-17T10:34:03.629-08:00Torment<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Charlie, my love my moods have been up and down as usual. I miss you so much right now at this moment. I'm in torment and it's not an easy day. I've been listening to your songs and it's just Hell to know that these were your most played songs but have meaning behind them. I do listen to this song that we both liked and it brings me to a more calm mood not a calming in my heart which I wish I could say is the place I will never be but my mood is more important right now because I am not alone here at home, I'm with your most favorite lil monster Mason he loves looking at your pictures and I do to even though they bring me much sorrow they are of you and the sadness that overwhelms me to know that you won't be in anymore of them well it's enough to make me scream obscenities for forever and ever :( Not cool right, I know I know but missing you is not cool either you not being here ahhhh It's just not right. I need your words of wisdom right now and when I think of what you would tell me all I can draw upon is a blank, it's the most saddest thing seriously :( Well my reason for coming here was to post this video so here you go my love I hope you can here it being played where your at :|</span><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XXwjZ4pQbPo?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XXwjZ4pQbPo?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object></span><br /></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-41298335437592092982010-12-12T13:40:00.000-08:002010-12-12T13:41:41.183-08:00<h6 style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;" class="uiStreamMessage" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="messageBody">Today is the worldwide candle lighting....<br /></span></span></h6><h6 style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;" class="uiStreamMessage" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="messageBody">"Light a candle" today @ 7:00pm in Rememberance of our beloved Charlie... ♥</span></span></h6><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT_SQpkQV3_4bqOkrpHFjc1E2nyO41eUK7SPND1Ea7h3LQy4LFa5mgH-WV8qEK8dFDjub8A1VmdFwi4hs0_1eRzQFapjHPf_jEon5JEO2BMx0R-hyQov_WskK8yRp7EfkLRe_rq07MM2TL/s1600/charlie...-kristen_story6_01_12x12-copy.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT_SQpkQV3_4bqOkrpHFjc1E2nyO41eUK7SPND1Ea7h3LQy4LFa5mgH-WV8qEK8dFDjub8A1VmdFwi4hs0_1eRzQFapjHPf_jEon5JEO2BMx0R-hyQov_WskK8yRp7EfkLRe_rq07MM2TL/s400/charlie...-kristen_story6_01_12x12-copy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5549913900121217538" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-2760728492301888862010-12-05T19:19:00.000-08:002010-12-05T19:54:10.419-08:00The gifting tree...<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie my love the days it seems have gotten easier but only for a brief few days...<br />I did so many things this weekend and the whole time I had mixed emotions and thoughts all over the place. I was told about Participating in an Angel Tree- It's where we find someone by the same name of the person we lost which would be you my love Charlie or the same age, sex whichever applies. So I took the kids all by myself to see Santa and to visit the mall where we found The gifting Tree..<br />The kids and I didn't find anyone with your name but we did find a 17 yr old female so we decided that was good enough to serve our purpose. I honestly didn't think I could mentally do it, go shopping for someone who wasn't you, who wanted something girly and so not you but it was in my heart that I had to carry out this mission we had set upon and we did it. I thought the whole time you were by my side saying ewww mami NO that is not cool, that is so ugly, who would want that, yeah I did until I found one that I knew you and I would agree upon :| and I snagged it and ran to the register not giving it a second thought and while I wanted to break down and cry b/c I was so consumed with emotion. I didn't I held it together and asked the kids what do you think of our purchase, they said yeah I liked it and I know Charlie would. So that was enough for me we all hugged and got ready to leave the mall...<br />While all this was such a somber moment I know we did a good thing for ourselves but most of all for the other child in need, I know you'd approve lovingly.<br />I miss you so much and just thinking of the days to come, I'm trying to be strong.. I feel like you've come to me these past few days and given me energy and strength to get by, I hope this continues because by God I need it :| I miss you...<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGjPCiQ2FoCmAHyqGUHfnqymR54c3O3-U2vTpKTfXvpIfg3WE4rt7tH0_Ua8hJdRbhuSMFM5HT4qDUMFznoR6AxP4MN1SMqB8EZE1EA2tpAlwoTxwhFyVOg6SbrKjLNsjhBU6zNvTKQQHK/s1600/TGT.png"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 297px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGjPCiQ2FoCmAHyqGUHfnqymR54c3O3-U2vTpKTfXvpIfg3WE4rt7tH0_Ua8hJdRbhuSMFM5HT4qDUMFznoR6AxP4MN1SMqB8EZE1EA2tpAlwoTxwhFyVOg6SbrKjLNsjhBU6zNvTKQQHK/s400/TGT.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547411473501786066" border="0" /></a><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Here's a photo of the kids by the tree</span><br /></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-57655312723278649692010-11-27T07:42:00.000-08:002010-11-27T08:11:47.373-08:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Charlie my love, I've been struggling through the Holiday. I never made it to NC, I just couldn't without you. It's just to hard and I don't have the energy to be around my loved one's. Sad right, I know but I wanted to be here at home it's where I feel the most closest to you. I miss you so much right now. Cely and Gio talk about you all the time and it's so comforting yet like a stack of cards you blow a lil to hard and they come falling down, yeah that's me. It's hard I never imagined your loss would be so hard you just can't be replaced or brought back and that is what brings me down :( I miss you so much and so do the kids.<br />I want to share with you our Thanksgiving day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI4LHkR5h3APQNq6wEg12UJuKfbs40zXpLaEGoC8zMKkCcK6SXNooRwZbBwfZ1bfUfkMpFVCTiLtvH-0IyFKflsD3hq-pQzYz1lOedqogncTQJVGnbvqqA7R1EEggl-oM9OPKWvHjGEdGJ/s1600/Thankgsv.png"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 276px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI4LHkR5h3APQNq6wEg12UJuKfbs40zXpLaEGoC8zMKkCcK6SXNooRwZbBwfZ1bfUfkMpFVCTiLtvH-0IyFKflsD3hq-pQzYz1lOedqogncTQJVGnbvqqA7R1EEggl-oM9OPKWvHjGEdGJ/s400/Thankgsv.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544262352061000658" border="0" /></a></span> <span style="font-size:100%;"><br />well the kids b/c they miss you so much toooooo.<br />It just wasn't the same without you, it's not like you went off to school, or moved away you can't imagine oh she's having an amazing day somewhere else you know. You wont get that Ham or Tamales you loved so much. I just can't imagine it that way b/c I know the truth and it sucks!!<br /></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-53200537672477951372010-11-20T19:22:00.000-08:002010-11-20T22:12:39.148-08:00<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: courier new; font-weight: bold;">Charlie, My Love</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">I think of you and my heart races my chest hearts and I get weak literally. I find myself looking at your pictures everyday every single day I look at your pictures and<br />I wish things were different.<br />I wish I could change things,<br />I wish I could have just one more hug,<br />I wish I could smell your hair when you flip it,<br />I wish I could see you smiling on the couch,<br />I wish I could see you walking out the door to catch the bus,<br />I wish I could see you playing with Mason<br />I wish I could see you reading your books<br />I wish I could see you sitting at the computer<br />I wish I could see you walking off of the bus<br />I wish I could have you sitting next to me in the car<br />I wish I could have you walking along my side in the mall<br />I wish I could have you talking my ear off while i'm cooking<br />I wish I could see you jammin out to the radio<br />I wish I could hear you telling the kids to stay of your room<br />I wish I could see you driving off with your friends in the car<br />I wish I could have seen you giddy about your license<br />I wish I could hear you having those meaningful talks w/your siblings<br />I wish I could feel your hands in hair massaging it<br />I wish I could see your face when you walked in after school<br />I wish I could hear your complain<br />I wish I could have you here for my pedicures, I'm due for one!<br />I wish for so many things in my heart, yet my mind tells me it will and can never be :(<br />I tend to always go back to these pic's when I'm down well these are some of em but these are more like the one's in my mind I go back to and wonder is this how it was for you? When you left us did you walk off into a cornfield, clouds, open field, water, blinding light? I will never know until we meet again and we can discuss how it was for you for now this will be my interpretation of when you left us.<br />I love you Charlie and I'll continue to wait for a sign...<br /></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwJCHLQWMS0X_1CApfwWF0py18ExLWHUsf6wNlwMYf6XoTl4sr_bBSJCEbWCvOzyEzmjCofriTIolLb8xElL8QS7qu9gbGxL922pym1oGw-0lNfhm65irKss6SCqs27OxKATDcWN30eAPY/s1600/walking+away.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 297px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwJCHLQWMS0X_1CApfwWF0py18ExLWHUsf6wNlwMYf6XoTl4sr_bBSJCEbWCvOzyEzmjCofriTIolLb8xElL8QS7qu9gbGxL922pym1oGw-0lNfhm65irKss6SCqs27OxKATDcWN30eAPY/s400/walking+away.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541881723003951490" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-42593099494799228012010-11-18T19:25:00.000-08:002010-11-18T19:41:17.770-08:00<div style="text-align: center; font-family: arial; color: rgb(102, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">Hi Charlie, My love, I went to a CFM tonight and they read this poem at the end and I had to share it with you b/c it brought me a lil bit of warmth in this horrid day I've been having!<br /><br />We Remember Them<br /><br />In the rising of the sun and in it's going down,<br />We Remember them<br />In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,<br />We Remember them<br />In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer,<br />We Remember them<br />In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn,<br />We Remember them<br />In the beginning of the year and when it ends,<br />We Remember them<br />When we are weary and in need of strenght,<br />We Remember them<br />When we are lost and sick at heart,<br />We Remember them<br />When we have joys we yearn to share,<br />We Remember them<br />So as long as we lie, they too shall live<br />for they are a part of us.<br />We Remember them<br /><br />From Gates book of Prayer<br /></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3777417558179490061.post-89441076099626542142010-11-18T09:58:00.000-08:002010-11-18T12:34:20.165-08:00Wretched Mood<div style="text-align: center; font-family: courier new;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I wanted to Thank all of you for reading and commenting on my posts this one is very heartfelt but needed to be said!<br /><br />Dear Charlie, I have been in the most wretched mood and with that said I know that I needed to write this letter.<br />I separated from my Charlie's father when she was about 6 mths old.. We have never had a good relationship and when my Charlie was in the hospital he came b/c I called him, I don't even remember what I said. I let him stay in my home b/c my husband now is such a wonderful and caring man like that. Once she was gone everything was done with life choice, we said our last goodbye's I came home exhausted, drained, numb and mind GONE!!! I was told he came woke me up b/c I was so tired I just plopped myself on the couch and that's where I stayed and he said, ok I'm leaving yadda yadda yadda...<br />I didn't even remember that!! He didn't stay to discuss funeral details, hospital costs.. NOTHING it was like oh well your her mom TAKE CARE OF IT did he say it out loud NO but that's what I felt!<br />That brings me to today she never wanted her father around or to know of her issues she loathed him and she had her reasons he would get drunk and demean her and mentally abuse her making her feel guilty for her choice to live with me and not him a real piece of work he is. I only say what she told me once she started going to therapy and refused to go visit him again in Florida.<br />So the day of the funeral at her memorial service he promised to contribute at least half of the funeral cost to this day almost 8 weeks later he hasn't even covered what he said he would and then he has the nerve to ask do I need any money to cover the hospital costs. What the fuck are you talking about?????<br />I am so pissed and bitter that every other day I've had to remind this man that he has an obligation and he has not fulfilled his promise he made at her "funeral of all places "and in the nicest way possible. I stopped more than 2 weeks ago he's not a child, he doesn't have memory loss, selective maybe. I was just tired and getting stressed out but now I seriously want to write him a letter letting him know that I am beyond upset with him and why in full detail. My dh has asked me has he taken care of anything else no he hasn't it's just beyond my control who knew this would be something else on top of everything else that I have to deal with. I told him I am not beggin for a hand out this is his daughter his responsibility as much as mine. Your papi said to just let him take care of the rest we don't need anything from him I told him no absolutely not he offered not that he had to b/c it's his obligation in my eyes, I said she did not go off to college and needs her tuition covered this is serious she died she's not coming back!! Could he F'in MAN up already!!! WTF!!!<br />Bitter right now is a pill that I've swallowed hard and I know Charlie you and I have discussed some matters re your dad in detail so I know you'd support me right now in validating my feelings regarding this matter :| The excuses are void right now just plain VOID!!!<br /></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16519501532624261161noreply@blogger.com0