Monday, January 10, 2011

Charlie, today has been a trying day. I woke up on a mission and cleaned, cleaned & cleaned. I almost went in your room and then I just backed away from the door. I guess you can say I woke up angry and just feeling crappy so instead of beating myself all morning I decided to put my negativity to some good use and that is where the cleaning came in.
I wanted to tell you that I'm in need of your bunk bed I want to buy a new one but the one I want is really expensive and I have yours and I could never ever get rid of it, gosh I think I'd hyperventilate and pass out before it went out to the garbage nope not my plan but my plan is to move it to your brothers room. I know they'd put it to good use and I think it would really make Gio happy he asked me about it the other day and while I shut him down immediately, he got me thinking and well I'll most def put your blankets away I know how proud you were of them when you went and bought them @ Target & you found BLACK yup your most fav non color as you explained it to me you were ohh so beaming that day after you made your purchase and came home to make your bed. So that is why I come here today to let you know what my plan is and your room will have a bed you'll have his. No one uses ur room but who knows maybe one day that will change not tomorrow or next month but one day :(
Okay so the whole reason I feel like crap and so angry is because every night before I go to bed I do my ritual go check on all the kiddos make sure everyone stayed covered and is sleeping in the right beds the heat is on the right setting and then I know I know this but it's so hard to come to terms with, I see your door and I know that inside that door the room is empty, I know this but I can't get over the hollow feeling I get when I pass your door it's enough to make me want to just kick it in and scream how unfair everything is but then I know that the kids would get scared and Nelson would probably think that I've lost it!! So I walk away and I come to my bed and I lay down and I have to tell myself that I didn't get that goodnight from you because your not here anymore and then in the morning when I wake up it's the same thing I have to tell myself that I didn't get the good morning/later b/c your not here anymore. You are physically not here on this earth so this has become a ritual for 108 days a new ritual that I so hate it really makes me cranky and just so angry but I wake up and I go on I try and try to stay strong b/c I know you would demand it!!!
I love you and miss you more than words can ever express!!

1 comment:

  1. Mary - sending you a cyber-hug. I relate so much to what you've written here. I know our stories aren't the same but wanted you to know that there is someone else out there who is missing her daughter/s.