Monday, February 28, 2011

Not neglected just looked the other way....

Charlie, wow I know your thinking hmmm what has this Woman been up to I loved it when you said that Woman, Woman I am speaking to you, LOL how I'd smile so big when I heard that I truly truly miss hearing your voice amongst all the other one thousand things :(
I have well let's see if I can put it all into words so you know how I've been feeling since my last entry... falling apart, heartwarming, heated, impassioned, impulsive, irrational, moving, nervous, passionate, pathetic, sentimental, spontaneous, stirred, tear-jerking, temperamental, tender, loving, open, restrained well how's that for emotions I'm sure I could'a threw in like 20 more but I'm sure you get the point!
So remember when I said that your room would remain untouched well I wish I could have went back and just deleted that whole thing but it was my heartfelt intention as you know we are a big family and while we have 4 bedrooms we have to maneuver them properly. You, Cely & Gio were the lucky one's to not have to share rooms for awhile well all that changed b/c Ro Ro came back home after you left us and then earlier this year a week after I wrote the other entry Helena came back home so I had to with lots of angst and a heavy heart take your room apart and give it to one of your sisters, In case you haven't guessed, it was Cely that got it. She was excited to be in there so she went in happily. I can't have a 6 yr old with a 20 yr old and 16yr old right? Right!!
The emotions that I felt being in there and cleaning everything just spun me into a roller coaster frenzy of feelings. It was hard looking, smelling, feeling, knowing that your life was crammed into this lil room and I had to put it all away, I felt like I was putting you away and while I know that's not true because I carry you in my heart, I just wanted to be able to give you that room just for you but it just wasn't possible. Gio did get your bunk bed Mason occasionally sleeps on the bottom and so 3 weeks after that I finally went in to clean your bathroom well the emotions were still raw and this just brought everything back I scrubbed, scrubbed and scrubbed rather than scream and curse I can't believe I had neglected all that dirty clothes in your bathroom but at this point who cares! I never knew your heart could race the way mine did I could hear my own thoughts it felt like I was in one of those movies where it's all closing in on you so I had to step away for a bit I felt so hot and fidgety it was just a weird overall feeling and I for sure knew why I was doing everything and while I cried and tried to fightback my tears so I cold just finish the task at hand it dawned on me it really dawned on me that you were never never never really coming back and while I wasn't ready to be doing what I did in your room, it helped me a lil during my roller coaster of emotions :( I had had that private mental moment well not my first but an important one!!
So I realized that I will be doing this a lot and that's ok because this is the only way I'm going to get through my grief, I know some people think gosh when is she going to get over it she has 5 other kids well my five will never make up for you, your all special in your own unique ways and it's not ok for anyone to judge someone else's GRIEF. This is not one of those walk a day in my shoes moments, who would want to lose a child and experience the ups and downs the uncertainty of emotions that come with each day because your child that you carried for 38 weeks, nurtured, loved more than life itself was about to begin her own journey in the real world has been ripped away from you all of it just snuffed away just like that from one moment to the next.. well I thought for one moment tragedy had struck us once again your cousin Pilo which I truly believe you were his Angel looking over him so he could come back to us. He had a severe asthma attack,he stopped breathing and thankfully made it to the hospital in time, he was hospitalized over 2 weeks in the PICU after 2 days we go the best news his cat scan was perfect he was going to be okay but with time so lil by lil everyday we sat by his side and I silently prayed that you'd guide him back to us and you did, I'd like to believe it was you pushing him back to us telling him he had to come back to his mom and sister b/c they needed him here.... Charlie it was really so hard for me to be by his side seeing him with his tubes and machines it hit home and after we left him 5 days later I came home and I was on my roller coaster all over again!! Everyday after the news was positive and I secretly wished I could go back in time and you'd have the same outcome but here I sit typing this knowing that, that's not true. I'm so very grateful for my sisters happiness and Pilo's health I will continue to stay grateful for them, I know that their is a higher power and I'm grateful for that.
I also wanted to let you that their will be a Donate Life ceremony next month I've been asked to submit a photo and attend, I'm sad to say this but I almost forgot that their are pieces of you vital pieces in someone else somewhere out there in this wold we call earth!! Will destiny be bliss? we'll seee..... I love you so much Charlie Warlie >3

1 comment:

  1. I cannot imagine how that must have felt. Keep believing in that higher power. God Bless