Charlie,
My love these are the four emotions that I feel at this very moment! Anger Sadness Fear Regret. I am grieving you, my biggest and most saddest loss. I sit here and I often wonder about your depression actually your major depression I wonder if I did enough for you? I know you wouldn't want me discussing this b/c this is something that you loathed but it's a part of you of us and a result of what lead to you not being here with me...... Did I, Did I lend my ear enough, my insight, to you it's enough to make me crazy all of these thoughts racing in my head!! I know that you hated the stigma that came with the depression, the fact that the medicine made you sick, your mood swings, the dry mouth and so much more but going to the psych so he could change your meds once again over and over so you could adjust and it would still make you sick. I know you hated to wake up and take that drive b/c you knew what it meant, you knew the significance of it, the sickness you had, the helplessness, the void that you felt b/c this in your mind made you different. You expressed to me how much you hated it and I so hated for you, with you, I loathed it secretly all this for you.... My wish was always to erase the pain you felt, or to minimize it but I couldn't, You'd tell me mom I need to do it on my own you'd say I have my own coping skills and when I'd hear those words, I'd feel so helpless as I do now. Why was this depression doing this to you, my smart, unique and bold beauty? I feel anger because I didn't make you take your medicine you'd start, stop, start and their was nothing I could do about it no laws say you have to be forced to take your medicine, it's a choice. My regret is that my knowledge was the only power of persuasion to get you to take them and not even that would sway you from your choice to say no!!! So with all this said please don't hate me for putting this out their. I need to get it out so I can process it my self, my love!!!
The percentage of people that have died from starting and stopping taking meds the way you did was very lil, you were so young and IT'S NOT FAIR THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE TO FALL INTO THAT PERCENTAGE, IT'S NOT FAIR AND I HATE THIS MEDICINE & WHAT IT'S DONE TO YOU THE SIGNIFICANCE IS A DAILY STRUGGLE FOR ME. I JUST WANT YOU BACK WITH ALL OF YOUR QUIRKS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM CHARLIE...
sigghhhhhh I do have something that made me smile today a pic of you and your sis at a Birthday party... I love looking back at em...
I also wanted to let you know that Cely and Gio love having an excuse to dye there hair red yes I got them the spray from Walmart and OMG I think they are going to ask me to dye it permanently soon, I'm so scared but if Gio says he's honoring your memory and if it's for that I will gladly oblige his request, do you see the impact you've made!!! Love you.
My love these are the four emotions that I feel at this very moment! Anger Sadness Fear Regret. I am grieving you, my biggest and most saddest loss. I sit here and I often wonder about your depression actually your major depression I wonder if I did enough for you? I know you wouldn't want me discussing this b/c this is something that you loathed but it's a part of you of us and a result of what lead to you not being here with me...... Did I, Did I lend my ear enough, my insight, to you it's enough to make me crazy all of these thoughts racing in my head!! I know that you hated the stigma that came with the depression, the fact that the medicine made you sick, your mood swings, the dry mouth and so much more but going to the psych so he could change your meds once again over and over so you could adjust and it would still make you sick. I know you hated to wake up and take that drive b/c you knew what it meant, you knew the significance of it, the sickness you had, the helplessness, the void that you felt b/c this in your mind made you different. You expressed to me how much you hated it and I so hated for you, with you, I loathed it secretly all this for you.... My wish was always to erase the pain you felt, or to minimize it but I couldn't, You'd tell me mom I need to do it on my own you'd say I have my own coping skills and when I'd hear those words, I'd feel so helpless as I do now. Why was this depression doing this to you, my smart, unique and bold beauty? I feel anger because I didn't make you take your medicine you'd start, stop, start and their was nothing I could do about it no laws say you have to be forced to take your medicine, it's a choice. My regret is that my knowledge was the only power of persuasion to get you to take them and not even that would sway you from your choice to say no!!! So with all this said please don't hate me for putting this out their. I need to get it out so I can process it my self, my love!!!
The percentage of people that have died from starting and stopping taking meds the way you did was very lil, you were so young and IT'S NOT FAIR THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE TO FALL INTO THAT PERCENTAGE, IT'S NOT FAIR AND I HATE THIS MEDICINE & WHAT IT'S DONE TO YOU THE SIGNIFICANCE IS A DAILY STRUGGLE FOR ME. I JUST WANT YOU BACK WITH ALL OF YOUR QUIRKS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM CHARLIE...
sigghhhhhh I do have something that made me smile today a pic of you and your sis at a Birthday party... I love looking back at em...
I also wanted to let you know that Cely and Gio love having an excuse to dye there hair red yes I got them the spray from Walmart and OMG I think they are going to ask me to dye it permanently soon, I'm so scared but if Gio says he's honoring your memory and if it's for that I will gladly oblige his request, do you see the impact you've made!!! Love you.
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