Tuesday, November 2, 2010


It's been a tough 2 days.... Monday I went to MA with Nelson he didn't want to leave me home all day to do nothing but stay in my room or in bed so he made me get up and off we went the drive was killer in the beginning. All I could do was think of you and our drive to NH yeah we went the same way b/c we were headed toward Boston but then Nelson and I started talking after one of his friends had called and asked how we all were and he was like she's here with me now, she's taking it one day at a time. I got her out of the house today! Yeah he was totally talking about me right in front of me, well he was pumping gas but I could hear em and I thought of you because I know how F'in rude you thought that was... But anyways we ended up talking about work, his co-worker, the kids and he didn't dare ask about you because he knew how upset I was the night before yeah Halloween we saw some of your friends T.O.T. it was expected but unexpected kwim they were all so happy, giggling, walking and making small talk. I really wanted to crawl into my hole that I call a room at that moment because I knew that, that would have been you walking around with them enjoying your new 18 yrs of age freedom and no longer having to go out with the family but your friends as we had previously discussed and I just started to shake yeah can you believe it my hands started to shake and I couldn't stop it and I had no idea how to make it stop and today my hands still shake. I can only attribute it to my nerves my deep down in the gut nerves damn them!
Today I went out to the store and who knew that driving to the bank could make you so crazy, I completely lost my sense of how I got their in the first place I knew what I had to do once I was in line but the whole getting their maybe it was b/c I was sobbing half the way, yeah I totally heard some of your songs on the radio and turned up the volume since I was in the car alone and I sobbed the drive is not the same without you by my side to tell me about somebody that you thought was so LAME-O or just messing up your KARMA!! I miss hearing about how your day went at work or how the people at work messed up or how you messed up.. You know your boss is really like you said I went in to get your last check and he totally didn't pay you the extra 3 hrs he said he would but aside from you being his Employee he was just like yeah here's her check, K I'm so sorry to hear about Charlie and have a GREAT DAY!!! I don't know how to explain it to other people so they'll get it but I know that you do, u totally KWIM!!!
I had an appt with H today @ 4 and of course I had forgotten all about it my mind stayed in the car. I know you'd be so happy and proud of us we are going for counseling, yeah since you left us she's come around and you in essence brought us back together and for that I am eternally grateful but it also brings me a profound sadness b/c of the way that it's happened. I know if you were here you'd be in their w/us egging us on to hash everything out and I know you were always the bestest big sister giving her advice and letting her know how everything is and she had to embrace it and stop fighting against it, you were always so damn smart and such an old soul gosh I miss that!!! She misses it to more than ever!!
U know what really made me sad though the other night the kids were all laying down and Gio and Mason hadn't fallen asleep so I go over to the boys room and I hear Gio asking Mason do you miss Charlie? Do you? Mason said yes I miss Lali and Gio said I miss her to. I really miss Charlie... they were bonding and it was just to much for me to witness at that moment but it's not something that I will soon forget....
I got a letter from Donate Life Org. with this certificate some poems and a new pin, I have to say that the pins they send are just so pretty and I'm really honored to know why I'm getting it even though it pains me at the same time.

So yes my darling that Certificate is in your honor and I plan on doing a quilt piece for you 8x8 for the Kidney Organization once I figure it all out and get some help on how to do it.... I'll share that once i get it done, I have to plan it out....
and because I was with H today and we were talking about you and then with Ro Ro when I got home and we opened the mail.
I found this pic and I know how much you hated being touched or hugged for that matter here's a pic of you 2 doing just that with Gio squished in there !!!

That is what I love to see that big o SMILE with your heart all out for everyone to see and for my camera to catch it all...
I love you and miss yo so much Charlie.

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